Sometimes you try and end up failing. Its nothing to be ashamed of though, its just a part of life. But there are other times where you don't put any effort into what you're doing at all or just draw a bad hand in history. So bad that you just wish you could expunge the memories of those events from the minds of everyone on Earth.
Thankfully however, this is still impossible. And it seems Nintendo suffers the most from it's past. At least more than any other company. While it might not seem like it, Nintendo has had quite a number of problems with it's most popular series. Here are just four such examples.
The Zelda Story That Exists Outside Of Time
When you look at the official Hyrulian History Book, do you notice anything missing? No? Well then what about the Zelda CD-i games? Do those not count as canon Zelda stories!? Well, probably not considering they were made with nearly zero input from Nintendo. The only thing Nintendo actually had to do with the game's was suggesting how the characters looked. Nothing past that was their problem.
Why might that be? Well, you're probably aware of the story of Sony and Nintendo working together to make a game console that took discs instead of cartridges. History tells us that things simply didn't work out between the two. But Sony wasn't the only company that failed to make Nintendo's first CD based console.
So wait, Nintendo helped design these?!
Enter the company Phillips, who were also trying to collaborate with Nintendo on a game changing console. Of course they failed too, but not before getting the rights to make a series of Zelda games on the Phillips CD-i, just to see how it worked out.
Here is where the problems came in. The CD-i was not a dedicated game console. It could play games, but it certainly wasn't it's main function. On top of this difficulty in programming, Phillips decided having access to one of Nintendo's main franchises wasn't that big of a deal and only set aside $600,000 and a single year to make two of their three games.
The rest is history. Awful awful history. Nintendo refuses to acknowledge the game's timeline and considers them completely separate stories from the rest of the Zelda timeline which is understandable, but imagine how hilarious it would have been if they got their own section in the Hyrule Historia. It would have been hysterical.
Nintendo Owns The Rights To Mario Brothers Porn
Oh geez, I'm going to have to bombard my search history from orbit once I'm done researching this, but it must be known. Nintendo owns the rights to a Mario Brothers pornography series. Those movies are the Super Hornio Brothers.
This just about sums it all up.
And Nintendo owns them. Not because Nintendo made them of course, but because they plan to hate them out of existence. And the only way to do that is to own the rights to them. Nintendo bought the rights to the movies and halted all production on both of them. It is said that Miyamoto also actively searches for copies to destroy in his spare time [okay, that's probably not true].
While the movie is virtually impossible to find, there are still a few backalley websites that will randomly stream them to anyone who wants to have the honor of seeing an official Nintendo porno. I could go more into the details like how Ron Jeremy is dressed as Mario but he plays Luigi, but I really just want this section to end. You have the name so leave me alone!
Nintendo Dodges A Mike Tyson Shaped Bullet
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out was a great game. Sure it was pretty super racist, but at least the characters were memorable and the game play was fun. Apparently Nintendo understood this, so when they released Punch-Out!! on the Nintendo Wii it wasn't that much of a surprise to see all of those stereotypical boxers make a triumphant return.
All except for Mike Tyson of course. There's a legitimate reason for that though. The contract Nintendo signed with Mike Tyson was only to last three years. Sure they could have just paid him more money to keep his name attached to the game, but you have to remember something.
How could they have possibly known things would go bad?
Mike Tyson was arrested on the charges of rape right when his contract expired with Nintendo in 1991. Instead of negotiating a new contract with an accused rapist, Nintendo decided to replace his character with a new boxer named Mr. Dream (and then once again with Mr.Sandman)
Imagine where the Punch-Out series would be today if Nintendo had signed a new contract with Mike Tyson before things started going bad for the boxer in the eye of the media. I'll tell you where it would be. Buried out in the desert somewhere with E.T.
Where Is Captain N?
Seriously, where is he? There have been three Smash Brothers games released and he hasn't appeared in a single one (even as a trophy or a sticker). This is despite the fact that the Captain N series was responsible for bringing Nintendo's properties together in one place seven years before Smash Brothers even released.
So why hasn't he appeared yet? He practically has all of his moves already set up. All of his weapons for the TV show would make sense and he has a reason for being there, to find the equally vanished Princess Lana. And there's no telling how many doors this could open story-wise in the next game.
He's probably up on the Moon with Mega Man
Imagine if Nintendo was able to get Captain N, Simon Belmont and Mega Man all together in the game. And trust me, that isn't that much of a stretch. Konami has already gotten one of their characters in the game and we already know Capcom is more than happy with crossovers. Having the whole group back together would add so much to the game's story it just hurts.
SO WHY HASN'T NINTENDO ACKNOWLEDGED THIS!? Why have they never even hinted at Captain N being in any of the games!? He's perfect for the series and Nintendo knows it. The only problem would be all of the red tape surrounding the last season of the series, but Nintendo really needs to try, and I'm sure most of you would agree. As always, thanks for reading.