So I“ve never really enjoyed a Monster Hunter game before. To be honest I“m not sure I really enjoy Monster Hunter now, but I get it. They won. I“m a fan. But being the extreme nublet that I am the game presents quite a bit of challenge. These are the chronicles of a know-nothing fledgling hunter, trying to die as little as humanly possible.
I guess I should start off by saying that in Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate I use the Hunting Horn. If you were picturing something supremely intimidating, like a gigantic horn that I strap to my head to ram enemies and disembowel them with my gargantuan neck musclesâ€¦well, sorry but that“s pretty much the furthest thing from the truth. Though I have been told I have a strong neck. What a Hunting Horn really is, is one part didgeridoo, one part club, that you effectively whack all the scary monsters on the head with in order to make a cool sound. Basically I“m like El Kabongâ€¦only not a horse (but how cool would that be right?). Point is, whenever I“m out there fighting things I“m doing so with a musical instrument. I“m bringing a flute to a gunfight. So keep that in mind because that makes literally everything I do in Monster Hunter at least 10x more hilarious.
So I“ve been playing awhile and I managed to fight my way through some pretty scary bad guys. One was literally a bunch of angry rocks with a face. That was a fun day! But no matter what, I“ve always been able to take them down by smashing my Rickenbacker into their faces like I“m Robert Daltrey. That is until last night. Armed with my trusty wind instrument of death, I walked into the frozen wasteland of someplace (I“m sure it has a name, I just don“t know it) and gazed uponâ€¦. Jabberjaw?
Not unlike that frankly awful cartoon, was walking shark. Only it was pretty strong looking, so I guess that makes it more like a Street Shark? Well dated references aside it was pretty mean, pretty ugly, and also very sharky. So I held my mighty Hunting Horn aloft and cried â€œShark Week is over, bitch!â€ and charged. Ok, so I didn“t but I really should have. Next time, promise. So I“m bobbing and weaving, dodging, trying to observe this thing in order to find which place would be best to hit it with my noise-hammer. Wellâ€¦that doesn“t go so well. So I“m hitting it and it just bounces off half the time. You see, it has armor. Armor made of ice. Yup. Who does that? This guy I guess. So I make the best of a bad situation and after having some luck attacking his tail (which is horizontal and not vertical, I mean I“m no marine biologist here but I“m pretty sure that“s totally wrong guys!) when he dives under the seaâ€¦of ice. Yup. He“s swimming in ice. Thank you for that, Capcom.
So obviously some Jaws shenanigans are about to take place. Even I can see where this is going. It“s time to change strategies. I fall back on one that has never failed me before. The elite hunter maneuver known as â€œrunning in a circleâ€. Well it works and pops back up, this time without his ice amor. Oh yeah. It“s time to go to town! Oh, except he learned a new trick. He can barf this ice laser and freeze stuff. He“s shooping da woop. This is happening. So needless to say I“m running around half frozen and shouting things that frankly I should be thrown in jail for. I mean a walking shark just hurled projectile ice vomit on me. I“m pretty sure it can“t get any weirder.
You know it got weirder right? Of course it did. This is Monster Hunter, a game where you can sharpen your hammer to deal more damage. Anyways, the angry shark dude becomes a big fat amorphous shark-ball. I really don“t even know how to describe it. I don“t think it“s something you can describe except that it once was a shark, and it is totally rolling towards me like Violet Beauregarde, just less purple-y. Oh and it bounces too...gross. The good news is it“s soft. Hitting soft things in Monster Hunter is always the way to win. So I go to town. It“s still gross but now I can kill it. Hell, I want to kill it even more now because it looks like Honey Boo-boo“s mom“s neck sewed onto a great white shark. Pure nightmare fuel.
So after bashing it repeatedly and without hesitation, it dies! After a quick sigh of relief I“m carving bits off one of the weirdest monsters I“ve ever fought in a video game. Like ever. And I“ve played some super weird games, trust me. I mean Soul Sacrifice is basically the creepy brain love child of H.P. Lovecraft and whoever designed Slimer from Ghostbusters. That game has a monster made entirely out of food garbage. Sure it“s a dumpster diver“s worst nightmare, but at least that thing didn“t have three forms, each making even less sense than the last!
So why now, after multiple prior attempts, am I a fan of Monster Hunter? It would be the exact moment when I was standing over a deflated shark balloon, doing a fist pump in time with my hunter (yes, you can fist pump in Monster Hunter, please use responsibly) and quite possibly seconds away from doing the futterwacken. And that, dear readers, is the image I want to leave you with!