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"Upcoming" Game Titles Revised for Accuracy

Posted by Venom, 10 March 2014 · 2,236 views

video games Final Fantasy XV The Last Guardian vaporware Kingdom Hearts III upcoming games
This started out as a couple of dumb one-off jokes I made earlier today, but then I realized...why not go further with it? Why not make it a number of dumb jokes?

Why not indeed.

 
So, in today's post, I'll be talking about some upcoming video games that are taking way too long to come out. But not just that - I'll also be revising their names to more accurately portray their current state and poking a little fun at them along the way. I've got my poking stick set to "stun" and my jokes set to "kill," so let's get this thing on the road!

Agent

Revised name: Undercover Agent


Posted Image
This is literally the game's entire existence.


Do you remember Agent? No? No one does, so if you said yes, go sit in time out, Mr. or Ms. Pants on Fire. It was announced in 2009 or so, and since then there's been nothing - total radio silence. Suffice it to say, it appears Agent has gone deep undercover, so until Rockstar pulls him from active duty, he won't be seen in the public eye unless he's in disguise. Let's just hope Momma Agent doesn't get a letter saying he was KIA.


Final Fantasy XV


Revised name: Final Fantasy 2015, At the Earliest


Posted Image
Revised revised name: Pretty Boys with Sharpened Toys


At first they were going to call it Final Fantasy Versus XIII, which is a heck of a mouthful. Makes sense to shorten the title a bit, especially after it's completely failed to show up on store shelves since its announcement in 2006, right? But Squenix wasn't just shortening the name, they were telling us something. Something to do with 15...what does it mean? Well, I've deduced that it means 2015 is the absolute earliest we'll see this game on store shelves. So if they rename it to FFXVI, be prepared to wait another couple of years, at least.

The Last Guardian


revised name: The Last Guardian of the PS3's Legacy


Posted Image
"Woof! I mean...meow! I mean...hold on, let me think about this."


Let's pretend for a moment that The Last Guardian is still coming to PS3, because that may be the only way for some of you to hold back the tears. Got rid of the sniffles yet? Good, let's move on. The Last Guardian has been "in development" for a while, being announced in 2009, and has always been slated to come out on PS3. Since it looks like the PS3's lifetime will expire before this game ever comes out, I've taken the liberty of crowning it the Guardian of the PS3's Legacy. Once every PS3 game that will ever be released has come out, ol' Trico will finally spread his wings and soar onto the system to secure the console's legacy with one final, amazing game. Unless it turns out to be terrible, like most games that stew in development hell for years, but let's just do what it takes to keep from crying and hope for the best.


Beyond Good & Evil 2


Revised name: Beyond Good Graphics and Evil Executives 2


Posted Image
Still waiting.


BG&E was a fan favorite and a critical success, but it didn't really do well commercially, so fans were ecstatic when it was announced the game was getting a sequel in 2008. And yet now they've been waiting...and waiting...and waiting. At this point, I'd like to think that by the time the game finally does come out it will have amazingly advanced graphics, probably powered by the Playstation 5, Xbox Two, and Wii U Me, and the developers will have finally found a way to convince the publishing bosses that the game will turn a profit.


Prey 2


Revised name: A Longer Development Cycle than Prey, 2

Posted Image
Now with twice the prey!


Prey 2 was announced in 2011 or so, but they've been pretty quiet since Bethesda told everyone that it was being polished up to their standards. What standards those are, exactly, we'll never know, but it probably involves releasing it with a host of hilarious glitches. In any case, the original Prey took around 12 years to finally see the light of day, and while Prey 2 has only gotten a few years in, the complete lack of any new info points to the developers trying to match or exceed that cycle. I'm pretty sure at that point it stops being "development hell" and turns into "development hell frozen over."

Kingdom Hearts 3


Revised name: We Ran Out of Kingdom Hearts Spinoffs 3

Posted Image

I'm confused about those 3 things behind the logo too, Sora.


It finally happened. After so many long years, we finally have confirmation. It's what we all expected, all hoped, all secretly knew. And our waiting has paid off as Square Enix has revealed...that it has finally run out of Kingdom Hearts spinoffs.

Half-Life 3


Revised name: No-Life 3


Posted Image
While you wait, enjoy this mockup that took someone literally seconds to make.


Because people who are still going around looking for clues of this game's existence have no life. That, and the game itself doesn't have a life, since it doesn't exist. It's a double whammy of painful realization!


Starcraft: Ghost


Revised name: Starcraft: Ghost


Posted Image
I don't know if this is an actual screenshot. No one remembers what the game looks like.


Oh, wait.

 

Some of you may be saying that these are the same games I featured in a past article (welcome back, Señor or Señora Pantalones de Fuego) but I talked about them differently this time, so it makes it new. So nyah. :P

So what do you think? Did I hit the nail on the head with my revised names? Do you have a better name for any of these? Or do you not care either way and just want to sound off in the comments about something else? Whatever the case, head on down there and speak your mind!




Last I checked Prey 2 had either been canceled, or the developer shut down. Either way, I think the chances for it coming out (at least in any way resembling what it original was intended to be) are slim to none  :(

Nice idea, Venom! This would actually make for a good regular feature, I think.

 

As far as BG&E2 goes, I think it's pretty much in the same boat as The Last Guardian. Both games probably had development scaled way back to the point where they are making extremely slow progress with them. Michel Ancel mentioned that it was basically something they worked on in the background to minimize the budget for it until it was ready for full production. In the meantime, they prioritized stuff like Rayman Legends over it, and if Ancel's games did well enough, they would use it as leverage to work on BG&E2; at least that's what I heard.

 

We'll probably never see StarCraft: Ghost, at least not as it was intended.

 

I think HL3 will happen sometime before 2020.

 

The Kingdom Hearts spin-offs were essentially Nomura's way of buying time while he worked on FFXV. And as that game went further and further into development hell, Square Enix was starting to feel pretty pressured by fans (and probably Disney) for KH3, in which they finally forced Nomura's hand to start the project, even though he wasn't finished with FFXV yet.

 

Agent is probably DOA. And I don't know quite as much about Prey 2 though I remember hearing that Bethesda had handed development off to another studio after the main one working on it went under. There was a really interesting article about that (on Polygon, I think) last year.

Last I checked Prey 2 had either been canceled, or the developer shut down. Either way, I think the chances for it coming out (at least in any way resembling what it original was intended to be) are slim to none  :(

 

Unfortunately that's probably true, and, really, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if they just rebranded the whole game as something else since at this point I can't imagine that many people are still excited about a sequel to Prey.

 

Nice idea, Venom! This would actually make for a good regular feature, I think.

 

Thanks. I was thinking I'd do one with games that are already out, but I'll have to figure out how to structure it so I don't just go all willy-nilly with every game in existence. xD

 

I think HL3 will happen sometime before 2020.

 

Oh, I think it pretty much has to happen at this point, lol. Valve would be like, the most hated developer in the world (after EA anyway) if they came out and said they were never going to make it.

 

Agent is probably DOA. And I don't know quite as much about Prey 2 though I remember hearing that Bethesda had handed development off to another studio after the main one working on it went under. There was a really interesting article about that (on Polygon, I think) last year.

 

Yeah, Momma Agent is probably reading that letter right now. xD

 

As for Prey, I do remember rumors (or maybe it was confirmed, I'm too lazy to check) that it was handed off to Arkane Studios. But like I was saying in reply to Ninja, it really wouldn't surprise me if the game resurfaced with a different name.

Meanwhile I will continue to shed a single solitary tear for Until Dawn...

 

 

ALTHOUGH Rumours say it's still secretly in development for the PS4....

You think The Last Guardian is coming out this year? That's cute.

 

No but really they keep pushing that game back so far It's worse then FF13V. aka FF15 now lol.

This is genius Venom!

GG sir, GG.

This is genius Venom!

 

GG sir, GG.

 

Thanks. ^_^

 

You think The Last Guardian is coming out this year? That's cute.

 

No but really they keep pushing that game back so far It's worse then FF13V. aka FF15 now lol.

 

Honestly, I don't really care about The Last Guardian. xD It's just more fun to pretend I do. I do really want FFXV though, but I know I won't be playing it until the PS45 and Xbox 42 are out. :\

 

 

Meanwhile I will continue to shed a single solitary tear for Until Dawn...

 

ALTHOUGH Rumours say it's still secretly in development for the PS4....

 

I guess I'll revise that one to "Until the Dawn of an Actual Demand for Move Games."

I remember what Starcraft Ghost looks like and I am still waiting for it. That, and Time Splitters...

Pretty boys with sharp toys...Hey they're gorgeous looking. Can't deny it.


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