Or maybe it's technically Part 2. Either way.
A few days ago, I revised the titles of upcoming games to make them more accurate. But why stop there? Why not include games that have already been released in the fun? Why not see how many times I can rehash the same joke before it gets old?
Why not indeed.
So here's a selection of video games that have had their titles updated to be more accurate, with maybe more to follow!
Revised name: People Only Watch NHL For the Hitz Anyway
This image bleeds excitement.
The NHL Hitz "series" (all whopping three games of it) is the NFL Blitz series' Canadian cousin. The basic premise is that it's hockey, but more arcadey-style and with more hitting. So basically, it's exactly like real hockey, but maybe with less rules. Or maybe more. No one's really sure because no one knows what hockey is supposed to be. The only reason people watch it is for the violence, because that's the only way to keep the audience (and the players, probably) from getting bored. EA took that and put it in video game form, and Hitz was born. And then died a few years later.
Revised name: Whutty Squad?
Gaze upon the true power of the PS4.
Did you know there was a Putty Squad remake on PS4? Did you know they're releasing it as a boxed retail game for $30 instead of releasing it digitally for like, a normal price for that type of game?
Actually, better question: Did you know that the original Putty Squad for SNES (Super Putty in the US) ever existed? Because the developers apparently forgot that nostalgia only works on things people actually remember.
Revised name: inFamously Repetitive Missions
Go here. Zap these guys. Go over there. Zap those guys while maybe not zapping the guys who aren't bad guys. Go get that package from the guy you zapped. Go get that package and THEN zap that guy. Go back three spaces and zap those guys. Do not pass go, unless you zap those guys first.
DID YOU ZAP THOSE GUYS YET COLE???
Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
Revised name: Blunders: A Tale of Two Sticks
Which button makes the older brother cram the younger one into that cage?
Have you ever played a game where you had to control two characters at once with one controller? If you have, it was Brothers. Or maybe Ibb & Obb if you don't have any friends, but that's not the point. Brothers has two brothers (who'd have guessed?) but the game is single-player only, so you have to move both of them around with each thumbstick and perform actions with the buttons assigned to them. If you've never played a video game drunk, play this, and you'll get the same feeling.
Castlevania: Lords of Shadow
Revised name: Castlevania: Lords of the Franchise
"Excuseth me, English, but mightn't I take this fork to your horse?"
Because Konami has pretty much just handed MercurySteam the keys. It's unlikely we'll see the franchise going back to its 2D roots (Mirror of Fate doesn't count and you know it) anytime soon, if the words of the LoS series producer are anything to go by.
Aliens: Colonial Marines
Revised name: Aliens: Colossal Mistake
I will make any excuse to use this GIF.
Truth time: I've never seen Alien. Or Aliens. Or the other movies, which are terrible and I'm told I shouldn't see them anyway. But I have played a couple of Alien video games, and Colonial Marines is the only one I consider to be a mistake that should have been terminated halfway through development. Like, seriously, someone walking in and seeing that game on the screen should have just destroyed every devkit and computer in Gearbox's (or whatever company actually did most of the work) offices. But instead, this thing burst through the chest of the gaming scene, ruining everyone's dinner and fond memories of the franchise in one fell swoop. And hey, while we're on the subject of Gearbox's terrible FPS games...
Duke Nukem Forever
Revised name: Duke Nukem Should Have Been Delayed Forever
Of the porcelain throne.
Too easy, I know, but I'm doing it anyway. DNF was already a dead horse before it came out, so by this point I'm only beating on the skeleton. But it really, really should not have ever been released. It took 14 years to not get finished, and then they released it anyway. 3D Realms and 2K should have just washed their hands of the whole thing and moved on to more important, less bank draining matters. But alas, much like the aliens who keep invading Duke's city, some people never learn until it's too late. And then they come back and do it again anyway.
Revised name: Slightly Smaller Than Usual Fighter
Behold, the treasure of Shinbeard.
Look at Sakura's head! It's like the size a cantaloupe! And look at freakin' Zangief! There is no way you're getting any of these fighters in your pocket, unless you are a kangaroo.
Revised name: Whack-A-Molezone 2
A glimpse of the elusive Helghast in a rare moment of not being in cover.
Those Helghast sure look pretty menacing, don't they? With their glowing orange goggles and their...breathing apparatuses. And their helmets! Don't forget the helmets. That must be why those guys feature on the cover of the first three games instead of the actual heroes. They're totally badass! Except when they're actually, you know, in the game. Once you see them in action, you'll see that once they get behind cover, their orders consist of "pop out and shoot, duck, pop out and shoot, duck, etc. etc. until you're dead." Killzone 3 was a little better at least, in that some of the enemies were programmed with loneliness and would come find you if they couldn't see you.
Watchmen: The End is Nigh
Revised name: Watchmen: The End Can't Come Fast Enough
Your rage meter fills up in real time as your contempt for this game rises.
This game is absolutely awful, and playing it is a chore. If you soldier through to the end because you want achievements or because you hate fun, you'll find yourself wishing the game would end every step of the way. The game isn't really that long (taking into account both parts) but everything, particularly the combat, is so slow and plodding it feels like it drags on forever.
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
Revised name: Movie Gear Solid 4: Hours of Talking About Guns and the Patriots
Legend has it you get to control some of this occasionally.
Come on, this was unavoidable.
So what do you think? Accurately revised? Not even close? What the hell is a Putty Squad? Whatever you have to say, feel free to say it down in the comments!