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Game Titles Revised For Accuracy Part 32¼: The Revisering

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Venom

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Alright, I've been wanting to do another one of these for a while, but I wanted to write some other stuff to space these "Revised for Accuracy" entries apart. Now that that's out of the way, I figured "why not dip back into that same old well again?" "Why not see how much longer I can stretch out this joke before no one cares anymore?" "Why not ask the same questions I asked last time, but with quotation marks around them to make it look like someone else is asking them?"

 

"Why not indeed."

 

So anyway, here's part 2...or...3...or whatever.

 


Far Cry 3

 

Revised title: Cars Die 3

 

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This uh...just washed ashore like that.

 

Have you tried to drive a car in this game? Did you travel farther than 30 feet or so before you crashed into a tree, careened off a cliff, or tumbled down a steep incline and landed upside down? If you said yes, you are a liar. Your punishment is to write a full essay on why Blood Dragon is so awesome.

Grand Theft Auto IV

 

Revised title: Grand Theft Fun IV

 

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"Stop, or I'll *phone rings* oh, hang on, it's my cousin. I gotta take this or he'll get mad."

 

I know that's not very good, but this is titles revised for accuracy, not betterness. GTAIV was a notable game in a lot of ways, but, for me at least, it was notable in doing everything it possibly could to prevent you from having fun. The driving controls were awful, the missions were either boring or shootfests where you'd die every 5 seconds, and the cops, oh LORD THE COPS, they did everything in their power to prevent anything even remotely resembling fun. After a while, I gave up on GTAIV and waited for Saints Row 2 to come out, and that was the best decision I've ever made regarding anything. And hey, speaking of Saints Row...

Saints Row 2

 

Revised title: It Only Took Saints Row 2 Games to be Better than GTA

 

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Unlike GTA, you could easily survive this.

 

The first Saints Row was a fun game, sure, but it was still a pretty standard GTA clone. After GTAIV came out and everyone fawned over the realism, Saints Row developer Volition, Inc. took one look and said "let's do the exact opposite of that." The game is so ludicrously silly and over-the-top that it basically becomes more of a parody than a clone, and most importantly of all, every single second of it was an absolute blast. The Ballad of Gay Tony and GTAV may have eventually brought back some of the lighter and funnier elements of the GTA series, but Saints Row ratcheted up the hilarity and fun so much in Saints Row: The Third and Saints Row IV that GTA is barely a blip on my radar anymore.

Just Cause 2

 

Revised title: Just Because 2

 

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Because why not.

 

I know the actual title is pronounced more like "caws" than "cuz" because you have justifiable cause for blowing everything up, but even if you didn't, I'd still be doing it anyway. Just because I could.

Sonic: Lost World

 

Revised title: Sonic: Lost Momentum

 

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Through the dark, to the light, it's a super Sonic flight...

 

This works in two ways, but I'll start with the most obvious: Sonic Generations was pretty dang good. It was basically the first Sonic game that could appeal to fans of both the 2D style and the 3D style, while retaining all the speed and bright colors and snappy one-liners of games past without any of the boring stuff. But, if Sonic: Lost World is any indication, it was also the last game that could appeal to both fans, because Lost World doesn't have the brilliant stage design and tight controls of Generations, nor does it play the "switching between 2D and 3D" field very well. It doesn't even copy Super Mario Galaxy well, the thing it clearly set out to do. The other way it loses momentum is in the game itself, because it's far too easy to either run into sections of the stage that slow you down, or parts of the stage are intentionally designed to make you move at a pace a turtle would consider a tad sluggish. It has its moments, but Sega clearly couldn't keep up the momentum after the awesome Generations.

Ride to Hell: Retribution

 

Revised title: Why the Hell??: Much Confusion

 

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I made this exact face several times while playing.

 

Why the hell should I care about this character's past right at the beginning? Why the hell am I suddenly on a turret? Why the hell am I chasing these guys? Why the hell do I care about his brother? For that matter, why the hell should I care about ANY of this?

 

WHY THE HELL AM I PLAYING THIS WRETCHED GAME??

 

BONUS revised title: Tried to Sell: Bargain Bin

 

Retailers tried to pawn this awful game off on people for about a week, gave up, and tossed it in the $5 bin hoping someone would buy it blindly or just for the lulz.

1001 Spikes

Revised title: 1001 $?!%&$

 

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I fell enraged.

 

Repeating the words I've uttered while playing 1001 Spikes would be enough to get me banned from this site 25 times over. The game is ridiculously and purposely difficult, to the point of almost trolling you every time you think you're about to beat the level but get killed by that one sudden spike trap or falling block you didn't expect. There are so many ways this game can kill you, and only a couple that you can actually see coming. And since there's no checkpoints, it requires a lot of memorization to make it through a level...and you'll spill equal amounts of blood and obscenities along the way.

Dragon's Crown

 

Revised title: Dragon's Frown

 

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"No, no, no! The LARP Costume Contest is in Keep 3-C!"

 

Look at that dragon. Not only is he not wearing a crown, he is also quite unhappy. What's wrong, Mr. Dragon? Are you upset about all these adventurers busting into your keep and trying to kill you? It's probably the adventurers. Hey, you kids! Leave poor old Mr. Dragon and his vast treasures alone!

Batman: Arkham Origins - Cold, Cold Heart

 

Revised title: Arkham Origins: Old, Old Boss Fight

 

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"I had the mouthpiece installed so you can't see the faces I'm making at you."

 

Everyone already knows Mr. Freeze is the main villain of Cold, Cold, Heart, so it's not spoiling anything when I say he's the final boss. What I will spoil is how you beat him...and it's the exact same way you beat him in Arkham City - by hiding and using the different environment takedowns to attack him. As an added kick in the face, unlike Arkham City, Freeze doesn't learn your attack and keep you from doing it again, so you could just pop out of the same vent 5 times and he'd be none the wiser. The only thing cold about this DLC was the lack of love it had for the fans who bought it.

Destroy All Humans!: Path of the Furon

 

Revised title: Destroy This Franchise! Path to a New Studio

 

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They could keep either the PS2 era graphics or the fun. Guess which one they chose.

 

If you've never played the original Destroy All Humans! or its sequel (imaginatively titled Destroy All Humans! 2) you could be forgiven. The games never really got a lot of hype, and aliens just weren't "in" when the games released. But if you did, you probably had an absolute blast playing them, which is no surprise since they were handled by Pandemic, who, as their name implies, were great at making chaotic and entertaining games. But after the first two games, the sequels/spinoffs were handed off to new studios, who did nothing to improve or expand the gameplay of the originals and instead just made games that were clunky and a chore to play. This 2008 Xbox 360 game in particular is notable for looking even worse than a PS2 game and having horrid framerate issues, and worse physics, despite being on a more powerful console. If aliens ever do invade us, it will be because we took a fun series about them destroying us, and turned it into utter garbage.

 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Hyperstone Heist

 

Revised Title: TMNT 4.5: Hypercloned and Spliced

 

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This is definitely either TMNT4 or Hyperstone Heist. Don't ask me which one.

 

Let me go ahead and get one thing out of the way - I love both TMNT4: Turtles in Time and TMNT: The Hyperstone Heist and enjoy playing them both...but not back to back, for fear of intense déjà vu. For those that have never played it, Hyperstone Heist is, to put it bluntly, almost entirely slapped together using assets from Turtles in Time. It reuses backgrounds, music, character sprites and animations, and other things, even when they don't make sense - a pirate ship fits in fine when you're time traveling, not so much when you're supposedly in the present day 1990's. To be fair, the stages aren't exactly like those from Turtles in Time, and include several new areas alongside the recycled content. Hyperstone Heist also features mostly new boss fights, except for the final one. Still, you have to wonder why they didn't just do a straight port of TMNT4...but regardless, the gameplay is still just as fun, and you'll be happy the heroes in a half-shell didn't skip the Genesis entirely save for that one fighting game that no one cares about.

 

inFamous: First Light

 

Revised title: inFamous: Fetch Quest

 

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Sure, I mean yeah, that works just as well.

 

The main character's nickname is Fetch, and she goes on a quest of sorts. It was handed right to you and you dropped the ball, Sucker Punch!

 


 

So there's part 42 or 87.3 or whatever number I'm on. What did you think? Accurately revised yet again? A sequel that could never live up to the original? Terrible in every way? Sound off in the comments, and be sure to stay tuned for Part 754!

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I thought i was the first one to start calling it the fetch quest? :(

 

But really that would have been super catchy.

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I thought i was the first one to start calling it the fetch quest? :( But really that would have been super catchy.

 

I wasn't taking credit, just agreeing that it would be a more accurate (and better) name. :D

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